


leave me your stardust

by lesbinej



Category: Runaways (Comics)
Genre: Angst without a happy ending, F/F, No Plot/Plotless, do not read this if u want happy deanoru
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-30 00:06:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15740064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbinej/pseuds/lesbinej
Summary: a fic exploring the off-page kiss that Nico and Karolina (canonically) had at some point in the runaways canoni wrote this in one evening; set sometime during the first issue of the 2008 run(title from boats and birds / gregory and the hawk)





	leave me your stardust

“If I’d felt like that… but I never have.”

Nico spoke the words aloud, but she knew it wasn’t true. Not in the slightest.

The thing was, she  _ had  _ felt that way—felt that way enough to know that she didn’t choose any different, felt that way enough to know that she hated herself every day, every minute for being so  _ stupid  _ and falling into the same trap Lillie had. 

So, did Nico blame Lillie for choosing the same thing? No. Did she hate that she was powerless to stop someone from choosing that when she knew, she  _ knew  _ from firsthand experience that it was her number one regret? Yes.

She didn’t really listen to Chase after that, too absorbed in her own self-loathing—which at least wasn’t that new. She hated herself for being so blind, so stupid, so, so,  _ so  _ scared that she hadn’t known what else to do—too scared to stop her as Karolina left earth with Xavin. And now she was back, but it was too late, because as much as Nico wanted her back, now, it didn’t matter because she had Xavin and Xavin had her.

Nico scrunched up her face. It didn’t matter that now she knew she was wrong—but it should, shouldn’t it? That was why she’d tried to make up for it, make up for her own stupidity by helping someone else choose better. But then Lillie didn’t, and Nico had to deal with the emotional mess of Victor that she’d left behind. Were they even still together? Nico didn’t think so, and honestly, she’d never been “together” with him in the first place.

Fling after fling after fling, just hoping to find the magical key that filled the void that Karolina had left in her heart when she’d left. 

First it had been Chase, and then Victor. Arguably, Alex was also in that list, but Nico didn’t really know how to delve into her emotions enough to pick apart her attraction in hindsight. She could deal with the here and now—or at least, the ‘after Karolina tried to kiss me and I rejected her like an idiot and now I’m dying every day because she loves someone else.’ That was the easiest way to divide it, at least. 

The flight home in the Leapfrog was quiet—they were all busy mulling over their recent adventures in 1907. Nico didn’t mind the silence; it gave her an excuse to not want to talk to anyone, least of all Karolina. 

Karolina, Karolina, Karolina. Lately, Nico couldn’t get her out of her head (was it just lately? Had it always been like that? Had she just ignored it?)—Nico’s lip had been worn raw from chewing, her head worn exhausted with anxiety, her heart laden heavy with the weight of her choice. Her choice that she regretted every day.

 

Karolina’s floorboards were squeaky. Really, the whole Malibu house had squeaky floors, which was weird because you’d think a house doubling as an evil lair would lend itself well to stealth. 

Nico couldn’t sleep, now. She couldn’t  _ breathe _ .

It had been hard when Karolina came back with Xavin. It had been hard to try and readjust, try to move on—so she’d drowned herself with distractions (Chase, Victor—neither of them compared at all to  _ her _ ), and now that Victor was still here, dealing with the aftermath of Lillie’s choice? Now it was impossible.

Nico didn’t notice where she was walking or what she was doing, just that she was walking, breathing, and it was nighttime. She hadn’t noticed her feet carry her out to the beach, to the waves lapping gently at the sand not fifty feet from their front door. Most importantly, she hadn’t noticed Karolina following her outside.

“Hey,” she said now.

“Hi.” Nico kept her eyes on the moonlight reflecting on the waves.

“Are you okay?”  _ No. No no no no no no no.  _ “You just… walked out here by yourself. I was worried about you.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine,” Nico lied, the weight in her heart settling a little heavier. “Just thinking.”

“What about?”

There it was—the loaded question that made Nico feel like her mouth was a hair’s breadth from a hairpin trigger: if she answered this question wrong, everything came tumbling down, and she didn’t know what would happen next. Karolina would react badly, of course, but what then? Could they go about their normal lives, knowing what they knew? Could she even look Karolina in the eyes again, knowing she’d stolen their friendship from her? Knowing that Karolina had moved on, didn’t feel that way about Nico anymore, and Nico didn’t know if she’d ever be able to pick up the pieces of her heart?

“I—um… a lot.”

Karolina sighed.

“I get it. It’s hard to come back home, even… if it never stopped being your home.”

Nico looked at her curiously. “What do you mean?”

“Well… coming back to earth. And coming back from 1907. I guessed you were feeling the same way I was… am I wrong?”

Nico laughed bitterly. “I don’t know how you were feeling.”

“Alone,” Karolina said, thoughtful. “Scared. Like my home had… stopped being home.”

“Did it?” Nico shivered in the cold, goosebumps standing up on her bare arms. She hadn’t thought to get dressed before she walked outside—she stood in a loose black blouse and some grey shorts.

“No.” Karolina smiled a little. “But I did change, and I think that I was so worried that the earth would change without me, that I didn’t realize I was going to change without it.”

“And… you changed?”

“Sure. I can control my power now—and now I know it’s an incredible blessing. But I’m still me.”

_ Yes, you are, and it’s incredible and I want to kiss you so much but I can’t and it’s not fair and I’m going to die without ever having tried to make up for my mistakes because of it.  _ “Yeah.”

“And it’s weird to come back to an earth that’s exactly the same, but you know that  _ you’re  _ not.” Karolina gave her a sympathetic smile. “I get it.”

“Does it…” Nico’s breath hitched in her chest. “Does it get better?”

Karolina’s smile became wistful. “I guess. Some days it’s easy. Some days I can’t stop thinking about who I’d be if I’d stayed.”

_ Would you have stayed? For me? Would you have stayed if I’d kissed you and not been an utter dumbass because God, I want to believe that so badly _ . 

“Do you… do you know who you’d be?”

Karolina shook her head. “I don’t. And maybe it’s better like that—not knowing. I can’t regret what I don’t know, right?”

_ I can. I can every day _ .

“Yeah, I guess.”

Karolina walked up right next to Nico, and she watched as Karolina dug her toes in the sand. “I’m glad earth didn’t change, though—it’s nice.”

“Nice?”

“Yeah. Coming home and everything is right where I left it.”

“Except us,” Nico mumbled, but what she meant was,  _ except me _ .

“You?”

“We all… we all had to deal with you leaving.”

“Oh.” Karolina stopped. “I guess… I mean, I knew you’d be okay without me. And you were.”

_ I wasn’t. I wasn’t okay. _ “I guess.”

“I mean, you got on fine. And I came back.”

“Yeah, you did. I’m glad.”

“Did you miss me?” Karolina asked, her tone teasing, but in that moment, Nico could tell she was starting to boil over. All her emotions about Karolina were bubbling up, and  _ god  _ Nico wanted to kiss her, and Xavin wasn’t here, so did it hurt? Was it going to hurt if Nico kissed her, just once, just  _ once _ , just to know what she’d missed out on?

So Nico stood on her toes and pressed a kiss to Karolina’s mouth.

Karolina didn’t pull away, suprisingly, and Nico leaned in a little more. God, it was more than she imagined  _ (and she’d imagined a lot) _ , trying to convey everything that she wanted to convey with just her lips—the separation, the relief at her return, the anguish, the heartbreak, the love, love, love. 

The worst,  _ worst  _ part of it was this: Karolina felt like home. Her lips were softer than Nico ever imagined, her smell and everything about being close to her felt like  _ home _ . 

Karolina leaned back.

“I… can’t.”

“I know,” Nico said, looking away.

“I can’t… I can’t  _ believe _ you!”

Nico flinched at the words. She waited for Karolina to say something else, to call her a slut, or a homewrecker, or a player, or a lying, cheating bitch.

None of that came. Gentle, gentle Karolina could never say those words. Instead, she shut her mouth and stomped off back towards the house. And Nico was left alone, wondering how badly she’d fucked up this time. She knew she deserved it, of course—she had no excuse. Karolina was with Xavin, and since Xavin was better than her in every possible way, Nico’s feelings didn’t really matter.

Girls like her didn’t get the girl, after all. 

**Author's Note:**

> im gonna add a part two to this eventually w another kiss from kars pov but thats for much later after i finish other projects. <3


End file.
